Nutcracker Season

My love for ballet started when I was 3. I distinctly remember getting picked up from daycare (yes I promise I can remember when I was 3, but not what I ate 5 minutes ago…) While waiting to use the bathroom, another girl came out in her “all pink” outfit. I told my mom I wanted to wear that, and she told me that was a special outfit for ballet. My response. “OK!” That fall I started ballet classes and thus it all began.

First Recital

4 year old me in my first pink tutu.

My first recital was in a pink sparkly tutu, although I was now on to purple as my favorite color (of course). I watched the older girls perform with pretty purple shoes on— and now I wanted those. My mom told me they were special “toe shoes” and I would have to dance for several years to get strong enough to wear them. “OK!” was my only answer.

When my mom took me to see The Nutcracker in it’s very first season performed by a new local pre-professional company, Eastern Shore Ballet Theatre (ESBT) in 1991, I was in love. I wanted to be Clara. I wanted to dance in the snow. I loved all of it. Every minute. I was 8 that year. In order to audition for the company you had to be 9 (which is why my mom admitted later she didn’t tell me about the auditions when she saw the ad in the paper). The following year we applied anyway, as I was still only 8 for auditions, but I would be 9 for the show. I was accepted into the Junior Company, and casted in my first 2 roles— Baby Mouse in Act I and a Courtier/Pillow Carrier for Clara’s crown in Act II. And I worked so hard at these 2 small roles. Because I knew, as my mom had told me, I would have to work hard and dance for several years to get what I really wanted.

My first year in Nutcracker: Courtier/Pillow Carrier, Baby mouse, and my friend the Nutcracker himself!

I started pointe just before turning 11. I was probably a little young and not really strong enough. But we didn’t know as much then as we do now about fully assessing dancers for pointe, and we really didn’t have access to specialty providers like Dance PT’s in our local small town area. I was extremely fortunate to have a Vaganova trained instructor though, who drilled technique into us sternly, but also kindly. That was probably my saving grace. In 8th Grade I was able to dance Clara for 1 show. It was only 1 performance, but I made it.

Thank You

To the late Ms Tatiana Akinfieva-Smith for your dedication to teaching.

In rehearsals, I spent every moment possible in the back corner learning the older girls roles. Clara, Snow, Dream Fairy, Spanish, Reed Flutes, Fluers, Mouse King. Any role I could try I did, and it paid off when performance time came around. That same year I danced Clara, they realized a casting issue in Snow and there was a Snowflake position not covered. They started looking around for someone to fill the role- and eyes settled on me. I quickly jumped up from the side of the studio and assumed position in rehearsals only one week before show time. And for 2 shows that year, I was also able to be a Snowflake.

I had many roles over the 9 years with ESBT, and 2 additional seasons guest dancing with Diamond Dance Theatre (in fact I think there were only about 8 or 9 female roles I never danced). In 10th grade, I started performing Mouse King (to this day, one of my favorite roles), Dream Fairy, Spanish, Arabian, Reed Flutes and Flower (all in rotation of course). But my final goal, the one I really wanted more than anything was still looming ahead of me — Snow Queen.

A variety of roles from left to right: Clara, Dream Fairy, with friends dressed as Butterfly & Arabian and Peddler (a fun little acting role to open the show).

I LOVED the Pas to start Snow Scene. I still can mark it out now- more than 20 years later. My senior year I was cast for understudy. A disappointment as this was my last shot. But I also knew (as happened in 8th grade) that understudies can earn a performance if they work hard enough. So I practiced. I marked. I got stronger. I took every technique class en pointe to get stronger. Just weeks before the show, I was awarded a single performance of the role, and then BAM… Fatigue hit along with an ankle sprain from the summer before that I didn’t rehab. I rolled my left ankle landing a series of turning Saute jumps (in 2” character heels) near the end of Spanish dance. It was the end of a long weekend of rehearsals and I was crushed and in pain. In the Emergency room I was diagnosed with a Grade 3/severe ankle sprain and instructed to be non-weight bearing for 3 weeks. I was devastated. Everything I had worked for, just gone.

Well, I wasn’t going to be beaten that easily. I stayed off it for a few days. I bowed out of some Christmas Parades with my high school marching band (I could only make 1/2 of them because of Nutcracker anyway) and started doing some active motion. PT for ankle sprains wasn’t really a thing, and my prior experiences with PT had been lack-luster and frustrating. I had rehabbed my own knee & back in class rather than in a clinic. Wednesday night was blocking rehearsal. I marked through the whole show and all my roles in soft flats. Limited my turns and jumps but started testing. It felt OK- really not much pain. Thursday was dress rehearsal and I had new pointe shoes for the weekend. So I did some work en pointe and practiced Snow Queen with my partner. It was rough, but not painful, I just didn’t feel as steady.

One of the other dancer’s mom’s was an athletic trainer. So we all (my parents, myself and her) discussed and decided she would tape my ankle for the show. If I could get through Snow Queen, it was all I really cared about. We had a back-up plan in place in case my ankle didn’t hold up. But then Thursday night, another injury became a new problem. Not mine this time— another dancer had broken her big toe and would be out all weekend. They had everything covered except: Butterfly for 1 performance. They had someone to dance as a Flower, but none of their other casted Butterflies were able to be shifted for that performance. Eyes fell to me once more. I was up for the job and I was going to make sure the role was filled.

Mission complete! If you look closely, you will see the white tape peeking through my tights on my left ankle. I struggled for alignment at the time. While I didn’t have pain, I wasn’t able to properly engage my muscles for maximal control and stability.

All said and done, I performed 9 shows in 2 weeks after my sprain, as I was also guest dancing with the other company performing the following weekend. The Physical Therapist in me now looks back and knows some of the subsequent issues I had with my ankles are related to a lack of rehab and strengthening the proper muscles. But, I also look back at how I learned what the body and mind CAN be capable of. I do not regret my decisions from that weekend. While I do think they affected my strength/stability for the remainder of the year and likely affected my auditions for companies in the spring, it was those affects which led me to where I am now. It was the realization that Physical Therapy can make or break the difference of a performance, a passion and a career.

Dancers- I feel you. I get you. I know you. Because I AM you. I can also look back and realize that there were holes in my injury recovery without having someone who could say that to me. Sometimes I won’t give you the answer you want to hear. Trust, I will always give you the answer I feel and know to be the best one I can offer based on your condition and recovery process. My guidance and recommendations will always be said with the heart of someone who has literally, DANCED IN YOUR SHOES.